Showing posts with label Prayer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Prayer. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 15, 2026

Dayenu Summer | "If You Only ... It Would Have Been Enough"


The Chosen Season 5 Episode 4 Dayenu

Everything is a gift.
The degree to which we are awake
to this truth is a measure of gratefulness,
and gratefulness 
is a measure of our aliveness. 

+ Diana Butler Bass

As we enter the middle of this summer, with moments of rest and fun going to plan, or perhaps nothing turning out the way we thought it would, I am reminded again of the historic prayer, Dayenu. Lore Ferguson Wilbert provides an introduction for the curious:

Dayenu

There is a word used in song
when Yahweh, the LORD, brings His people
through yet another trial.

The word is dayenu,
meaning something along the lines of
"and if nothing else,
it would have been enough."

If the Lord God had merely fed us
during the famine but not given
us a home in Egypt,
it would have been enough.
If the Lord God had given us a home
in Egypt but not kept us
from being enslaved,
it would have been enough.
If the Lord God had brought us out Egypt
but not parted the Red Sea,
it would have been enough.
If the Lord God had parted the Red Sea
but not brought every last one
of us through it,
it would have been enough.

This was their way of saying,
"No matter what the future is,
what You've done for us
is enough."

+ Lore Ferguson Wilbert,
The Understory

A grace-filled focus on Dayenu was also reinforced by what I think is one of the most beautiful scenes The Chosen has ever produced thus far. During Season Five, Episode Four: The Same Coin, there are two scenes that we don't find recorded in the Scriptures, but would be an essential part to the Jewish tradition of celebrating Passover each year. (You can hear the Perrys and the Jenkinses humbly and humorously describe this moment in "The Meaning of Dayenu" short from the full With the Perrys episode, "The Art of Stewarding Your 5 Loaves and 2 Fish.")

The first scene of "The Same Coin" episode in season five is with Jesus and His disciples during Passover, reciting the Traditional Dayenu preserved throughout the millienia (an abridged excerpt is provided below).


Jesus:
John, will you begin the Dayenu
for us?

St. John: 
Yes, of course, Rabbi.
If He had brought us out from Egypt,
and not carried out judgement 
against them ...

All:
It would have been enough. 

St. Simon: 
If He had carried out judgements
against them, and
not destroyed their idols ... 

All:
It would have been enough ...

St. Philip:
If He had given us their wealth 
and had not split the Sea for us ...

All:
It would have been enough. 

Zebedee:
If He had split the Sea for us and
had not taken us through it 
on dry land ...

If He had supplied us
in the desert for 40 years and
not fed us the manna ... 

All:
It would have been enough. 

St. Matthew:
If He had fed us the manna,
and had not given us the Shabbat ... 

All:
It would have been enough. 

St. Thomas:
If He had given us the Shabbat
and not brought us before Mt. Sinai ...

All:
It would have been enough. 

Zebedee:
If He had brought us before Mt. Sinai
and not given us the Torah ...

All:
It would have been enough. 

St. Philip:
If He had given us the Torah, but
not brought us to the land of Israel ...

All:
It would have been enough. 

St. Andrew:
If He had brought us to 
the land of Israel and
not built us the Holy Temple ... 

All:
It would have been enough.

So many acts of God's rescue, protection, justice, generosity, provision, direction, and more are recorded in the Story of Israel. And in practicing gratitude, the children of God recognized His steadfast love that endures forever year after year.

Jesus Dayenu in Season 5 Episode 4 of The Chosen

And then the closing scene to the episode brought the Dayenu to new life in light of Jesus and what it's like to thank Him personally for all that He does for us.


Mary, Mother of Jesus:
If I had only been given the joy 
of holding You in my arms 
that night in Bethlehem
on a cold ground,
and not been able to see You
perform signs and wonders ... 

All:
It would have been enough.

St. Mary Magdalene:
If You had performed 
signs and wonders and
not called me by name that night ... 

All:
It would have been enough.

Eden, Wife of St. Peter:
If You had healed Mary of Magdala 
of her demons and not healed my Ima 
or called my husband 
after Your miracle ... 

All:
It would have been enough.

Tamar, Friend of the Paralytic: 
If You had called Simon Peter 
and not healed my friend ... 

All:
It would have been enough.

Martha of Bethany, Sister of Lazarus: 
If You had healed Eden 
and not raised my brother ... 

All:
It would have been enough.

Mary of Bethany, Sister of Lazarus: 
If You had raised my brother 
and not defended my honor 
when I worshipped You ... 

All:
It would have been enough.

St. Joanna, Wife of Chuza: 
If You had defended Mary of Bethany,
 but not given meaning to my life, which
had been so unhappy and unfulfilled 
by letting me support and participate 
in this  miraculous family 
that I do believe will change the world ... 

All:
It would have been enough.

I am becoming more and more aware that I need to look back, not only each year, but each month, each week, and each day (ex. the prayer of Examen by St. Ignatius of Loyola) with a posture of Dayenu ... And if You had only (fill in the blank, Lord) ... It would have been enough.

What is my Dayenu to Jesus?
In relation to the gift of my marriage?
The gift of my family?
The gift of my home and neighborhood?
The gift of work and my vocation?
The gift of Emmaus City Church?

Jesus, if You had called me to be
It would have been enough.

Jesus, if we had only formed
It would have been enough.

Jesus, if I only got to be friends
It would have been enough.

Jesus, if I only saw one person
change their life forever ...
It would have been enough.

Jesus, if I only got to serve at
with You and others a few times ...
It would have been enough.

Jesus, if we only celebrated
It would have been enough.

Jesus, if we only had the privilege to
It would have been enough.

Jesus, if You only had us
It would have been enough.

To close this post, I encourage you to consider your own dayenu. Along with the example above, here are a few practices below from a fellow minister in consideration of grace, gratitude, and how Yeshua (Jesus' name in Hebrew, which means "The LORD saves") invites us with open, wounded hands to have our life sing the song of dayenu.

On Gratitude 
Gratitude is the basis of all holiness.
The most holy person you know
is the most grateful person you know.
To be a saint is to
be fueled by gratitude,
nothing more and nothing less.

+ Ronald Rolheiser,
At the heart of gratitude is awareness that all of life is grace. “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” (James 1:17). Everything is a gift. We live on a graced planet. Nothing is earned, nothing is deserved. All of life is grace. 
And the grace of our Lord is wastefully generous. God could have made one kind of bird and instead he made 10,000 species of winged color. He could have made food taste all the same, supplying our need for daily nourishment – instead he created an environment that can produce the likes of curry, jambalaya, and apple pie. He made a world where ants build hills, water falls from the sky, and leaves change colors and regenerate in a matter of months. 
There is enough wonder and delicious diversity in our world to keep a person in awe for a lifetime. 
The degree to which we are aware of this truth is a measure of our gratitude. Plenty of people notice our world, but gratitude goes beyond observation to receiving reality as a gift. It was the original lie of the serpent that God is distant and uncaring, and that we humans should go it alone. This is still the lie that humans believe; in fact, in our culture we are taught that independence and self-sufficiency make for the good life. But the truth is the opposite – dependence on the all-sufficient Father makes for the good life. The grateful person lives in total awareness and reliance on the Father’s good gifts every moment. 
A breakthrough came for me
when I realized that gratitude
is not a passive disposition
but a learned habit.
It is a discipline of awareness
to the Father’s grace
and our own response to it.
Paul commands, “Give thanks in all circumstances.” (1 Thess. 5:18). Or just simply, “Be thankful” (Col. 4:2). I think I always considered gratefulness as something that happened to you when a happy, positive circumstance occurred. But Paul suggests exactly the opposite: the discipline of gratitude in the midst of any circumstance leads to joy. It is not the happy person who is grateful – it is the grateful person who is happy, whose eyes are open to the abundance of all things. 
So how has this changed my life? 
 | 1 |
On waking, I let my first words
be words of thanksgiving.
“Thank you Father,
thank you Son,
thank you Spirit ... ”
Waking from sleep and
having a new day to live
in the mercy of the gospel
is an amazing gift in itself.

 | 2 |
Then, throughout the day,
I look for cues that prompt thanksgiving.
My friend Bob Stamps taught me 
a simple prayer
to utter every time you experience
even the smallest good:
a text from a friend,
a sip of coffee,
light filtering through the trees.
“Hear the praise of this grateful heart”
is a prayer that I now use
innumerable times throughout the day.

 | 3 |
Before bedtime, I try to conduct
a brief review of the day —
the practice of “Examen.”
Doing so helps me remember
the gifts of the day and to
close my hours with thanks.

I don’t always keep these habits,
but even the sporadic discipline of gratitude
has awakened me to the Father’s love
and the gift of ordinary life.

+ Facebook. Widmer, Corey.
"On Gratitude."

Christ is all,

Rev. Mike "Sully" Sullivan

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Monday, July 13, 2026

Gentle & Lowly Summer | What Sin Evokes in Jesus' Holiness


The Hand of God (in Darkness) by Yongsung Kim

The Bible says that
when God looks at His people's sinfulness,
His transcendent holiness
—His God-ness, His very divinity,
that about God which makes Him not us—
is what makes Him unable 
to come down on His people
in wrath (see Hosea 11:7-9) ...
We are brought out from under
our natural ways of creating God
in our own image, and
we allow God Himself
to tell us who He is. 

+ Dane Ortlund
Gentle and Lowly 


I am gentle and lowly in heart. + Jesus (Matthew 11:29) 
(Jesus) can deal gently with the ignorant and wayward (Hebrews 5:2). 
Whoever comes to Me I will never cast out. + Jesus (John 6:37)

These verses and the excerpts below from Gentle and Lowly are for anyone like me who can feel like they are part of ...

... the discouraged, the frustrated, the weary, the disenchanted, the cynical, the empty. Those running on fumes. ... Those of us who find ourselves thinking: "How could I mess up that bad again?" It is for that increasing suspicion that God's patience with us is wearing thin. For those of us who know God loves us but suspect we have deeply disappointed Him. Who have told others of the love of Christ yet wonder if—as for us—He harbors mild resentment. Who wonder if we shipwrecked our lives beyond what can be repaired. ... Who have been swept off our feet by perplexing pain and are wondering how we can keep living under such numbing darkness.

If this feels like you during a hot summer when the temp in weather and life continues to rise, I invite you to learn more about the Christ who dives deeper into our selfishness, apathy, greed, hatred, violence and sin in order to rescue us. 

Chapter 7: What Our Sins Evoke
"My compassion grows warm and tender
... I will not come in wrath."
+ Hosea 11:8-9


There is nothing uncontrolled or disproportionate in God. The reason we feel as if divine wrath (i.e. His good, true, and faithful response to evil with justice) can easily be overstated is that we do not feel the true weight of sin. Martyn Lloyd-Jones, reflecting on this, said:

You will never make yourself feel that you are a sinner, because there is a mechanism in you as a result of sin that will always be defending you against every accusation. We are all on very good terms with ourselves, and we can always put up a good case for ourselves. Even if we try to make ourselves feel that we are sinners, we will never do it. There is only one way to know that we are sinners, and that is to have some dim, glimmering conception of God.

In other words, we don't feel the weight of our sin because of: our sin. If we saw with deeper clarity just how insidious and pervasive and revolting sin is—and, as Lloyd-Jones suggests above, we can see this only as we see the beauty and holiness of God—we would know that human evil calls for an intensity of justice and judgment of divine proportion. ... And just as we can hardly fathom the divine justice and faithful response awaiting those out of Christ, it is equally true that we can hardly fathom the divine tenderness already resting now on those in Christ. We might feel a little bashful or uncomfortable or even guilty in emphasizing God's tenderness as intensively as His wrath. But the Bible feels no such discomfort. Consider Romans 5:20: "Where sin increased, grace abounded all the more." The guilt and shame of those in Christ is ever outstripped by His abounding grace.

When we sin, the very heart of Christ is drawn out to us. This may cause us to cringe. If Christ is perfectly holy, must He not necessarily withdraw from sin? Here we enter in to one of the most profound mysteries of who God in Christ is. Not only are holiness and sinfulness mutually exclusive, but Christ, being perfectly holy, knows and feels the horror and weight of sin more deeply than any of us sinful ones could—just as the purer a man's heart, the more horrified he is at the thought of his neighbors being robbed or abused. Conversely, the more corrupt one's heart, the less one is affected by the evils all around. Carry the analogy a little further. Just as the purer a heart, the more horrified at evil, so also the purer a heart, the more it is naturally drawn out to help and relieve and protect and comfort, whereas a corrupt heart sits still, indifferent. So with Christ. His holiness finds evil revolting, more revolting that any of us ever could feel. But it is that very holiness that also draws His heart out to help and relieve and protect and comfort.

In the key text on divine holiness (Isaiah 6:1-8), that holiness (6:3) flows naturally and immediately into forgiveness and mercy (6:7). Thomas Goodwin explains as he brings to a close his book The Heart of Christ ...

Christ takes part with you, and is so far from being provoked against you, as all His anger is turned upon your sin to ruin it; yes, His pity is increased the more towards you, even as the heart of a father is to a child that has some loathsome disease, or as one is to a part of his body that has leprosy, he hates not the area, for it is his flesh, but the disease, and that provokes him to pity the part affected the more. ... 

If you are part of Christ's own body, your sins evoke His deepest heart, His compassion and pity. He "takes part with you"—that is, He's on your side. He sides with you against your sin, not against you because of your sin. He hates sin (because it erodes, infects, abuses, deceives, isolates, violates, destroys, murders). But He loves you. We understand this, says Goodwin, when we consider the hatred a father has against a terrible disease afflicting his child—the father hates the disease while loving the child. Indeed, at some level the presence of the disease draws out his heart to his child all the more. 

This is not to ignore the disciplinary side of Christ's care for His people. The Bible clearly teaches that our sins draw forth the discipline of Christ (e.g., Hebrews 12:1-11). He would not truly love us if that were not true. But even this is a reflection of His great heart for us. When a body part has been injured, it requires the pain and labor of physical therapy. But that physical therapy is not punitive; it is intended to bring healing. It is out of care for that limb that the physical therapy is assigned. ...

It is not our loveliness that wins His love. It our unloveliness (e.g., Hosea 11:7-9). Our hearts gasp to catch up with this. It is not how the world around us works. It is not how our own hearts work. But we bow in humble submission, letting God set the terms by which He will love us.

Chapter 8: To the Uttermost
Jesus is able to save to the uttermost
those who draw near to God through Him,
since He always lives
to make intercession for them.
+ Hebrews 7:25


Justification is tied to what Christ did in the past. Intercession is what He is doing in the present. Think of it this way. Christ's heart is a steady reality flowing through time ... And the present manifestation of His heart for His people is His constant interceding on their behalf ... Intercession applies what the atonement accomplished. Christ's present heavenly intercession on our behalf is a reflection of the fullness and victory and completeness of His earthly work. In the past, Jesus did what He now talks about; in the present, Jesus talks about what He then did. This is why the New Testament weds justification and intercession, such as in Romans 8:33-34:

"Who then shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the One who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right of God, who indeed is interceding for us."

The atoning work of the Son was something the Father and the Son delightedly agreed to together in eternity past. Christ does not intercede because the Father's heart is tepid toward us but because the Son's heart is so full toward us. 

The Father's own deepest delight is to say yes to the Son's pleading on our behalf. Jesus' posture right now as He is in heaven, His disposition, His deepest desire, is to pour His heart out on our behalf before the Father. The intercession of Christ is His heart connecting our heart to the Father's heart ... "Consequently, He is able to save to the uttermost those who draw near to God through Him, since He always lives to make intercession for them (Hebrews 7:25) ... " 
The phrase "to the uttermost" is one Greek word (panteles). It's a word denoting comprehensiveness, completeness, exhaustive wholeness. What is the point of saying Christ saves "to the uttermost"? We who know our hearts understand. 
We are to-the-uttermost sinners. 
We need a to-the-uttermost Savior. 
Christ doesn't merely help us. He saves us ... even in that one deep, dark part of our lives, even our present lives, that seems so intractable, so ugly, so beyond recovery. 
"To the uttermost" in Hebrews 7:25 means: God's forgiving, redeeming, restoring touch reaches down into the darkest crevices of our souls, those places where we are most ashamed, most defeated. 
More than this: those crevices of sin are themselves the places where Christ loves us the most. His heart willingly goes there. His heart is most strongly drawn there. 
He knows us to the uttermost, and He saves us to the uttermost, because His heart is drawn out to us to the uttermost. We cannot sin our way out of His tender care. He never disengages. He never lets go, wishing us well, hoping we can glide the rest of the way into heaven. He carries us all the way. 
One way to think of Christ's intercession, then, is simply this: Jesus is praying for you right now. "It is a consoling thought," wrote theologian Louis Berkhof, "that Christ is praying for us, even when we are negligent in our prayer life." Our prayer life stinks most of the time. But what if you heard Jesus praying aloud for you in the next room? Few things would calm us more deeply.

Chapter 9: An Advocate
If anyone does sin,
we have an advocate with the Father,
Jesus Christ the righteous.
+ 1 John 2:1


Intercession is something Christ is always doing, while advocacy is something He does as occasion calls for it. Apparently He intercedes for us given our general sinfulness, but He advocates for us in the case of specific sins. John Bunyan in his The Work of Jesus Christ as an Advocate explains it like this:

+ Christ, as Priest, goes before, and Christ, as an Advocate, comes after. 
+ Christ, as Priest, continually intercedes: Christ, as Advocate, in case of great transgressions, pleads. 
+ Christ, as Priest, has need to act always, but Christ, as Advocate, sometimes only. 
+ Christ, as Priest, acts in time of peace; but Christ, as Advocate, in times of broils, turmoils, and sharp contentions; wherefore, Christ as Advocate, as I may call Him, a reserve, and His time is then to arise, to stand up and plead, when His own are clothed with some filthy sin that of late they have fallen into. 

Note the personal nature of Christ's advocacy. It is not a static point of His work. His advocacy rears up when occasion requires it. ... Yes, we fail Christ as His disciples. But His advocacy on our behalf rises higher than our sins. His advocacy speaks louder than our failures. All is taken care of. When you sin, remember your legal standing before God because of the work of Christ; but remember also your advocate before God because of the heart of Christ.

Consider your own life. How do you think about Jesus's attitude toward that dark pocket of your life that only you know? The over-dependence on alcohol. The lost temper, time and again. The shady business about your finances. The inveterate people-pleasing that looks to others like niceness but which you know to be fear of man. The entrenched resentment that bursts out in behind-the-back accusations. The habitual use of pornography. Who is Jesus, in those moments of spiritual blankness? Not: Who is He once you conquer that sin, but who is He in the midst of it? The apostle John says: He stands up and defies all accusers. "Satan had the first word, but Christ the last," wrote Bunyan. "Satan must be speechless after a plea of our Advocate." Jesus is our Paraclete (i.e. Helper, Advocate, Counselor, Comforter, Companion), our comforting defender, the one nearer than we know, and His heart is such that He stands and speaks in our defense when we sin, not after we get over it. In that sense His advocacy is itself our conquering of it.

We are indeed called to forsake our sins, and no healthy Christian would suggest otherwise. When we choose to sin, we forsake our true identity as a child of God, we invite misery into our lives, and we displease our heavenly Father. We are called to mature into deeper levels of personal holiness as we walk with the Lord, truer consecration, new vistas of obedience. 

But when we don't—when we choose to sin—though we forsake our true identity, our Savior does not forsake us. These are the very moments when His heart erupts on our behalf in renewed advocacy in heaven with a resounding defense that silences all accusations, astonishes the angels, and celebrates the Father's embrace of us in spite of all our messiness. Fallen humans are naturally defensive. It flows out of us. Self-exonerating, self-defending. We do not need to teach young children to make excuses when they are caught misbehaving. There is a natural built-in mechanism that immediately kicks into gear to explain why it wasn't really their fault. Our fallen hearts intuitively manufacture reasons that our case is not really that bad. The fall is manifested not only in our sinning but in our response to our sinning. We minimize, we excuse, we explain away. In short, we speak, even if only in our hearts, in our defense ... but what if we never needed to defend ourselves because Another had undertaken to do so? What if that Advocate knew exhaustively just how fallen we are, and yet at the same time was able to make a better defense for us than we ever could? No blame shifting or excuses, the way our self-advocates tend to operate, but perfectly just, pointing to His all-sufficient sacrifice and sufferings on the cross in our place? We would be free. Free of the need to defend ourselves, to bolster our sense of worth through self-contribution, to quietly parade before others our virtues in painful subconscious awareness of our inferiorities and weaknesses. We can leave our case to be made by Christ ...

Christ is all,

Rev. Mike "Sully" Sullivan

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Monday, June 1, 2026

Special June CN | An Unexpected Story of Discovering Jesus


Free Audible Audiobook of A War of Loves Read by Author David Bennett

 

David Bennett's account of his meeting with Jesus ... is alone worth double the price of the book. + N.T. Wright

 

The God who I thought hated me still haunted me, even through a fortune teller's words. And it wouldn't be the last time I wanted God to leave me right alone.


These words also continue to haunt me (in a good way) in relation to David Bennett's brave and profound story he generously shares with us all in A War of Loves: The Unexpected Story of a Gay Activist Discovering Jesus. This post will feature 3 moments in David's life in which he had an encounter with Jesus that would transform his experience of love. Recently, during a Surge Table meeting, we were talking about common grace, and I remembered David's story of meeting with a psychic, someone we wouldn't usually think God would use to point others to Jesus (a descriptive meeting, not prescriptive nonetheless). This is the 1st of 3 moments in David's story included below. But as N.T. Wright states in the quote at the top of this post, David's account of his meeting with Jesus is worth double the price of the book. So if what you read below makes you curious, I invite you to purchase the entire book to support David on his journey. It's a story that I think might collide with the questions and curiosities of many as it has certainly captured my attention.

If the gods we worship are exactly like us, are we just creating divinity to be like us or in our own image? ... 
My quest for love must have a reason behind it. ... 
Do I know what grace is?

| 1 | Grace Foretold through a Tarot Card-Reading Psychic with a Friend

Christians are bigoted. 
I mean, I'm spiritual but the Bible's just horrible. 
I can't stand how ignorance can shroud itself in religious ceremony. 

I was meeting up with my best friend, Emma. I smiled and sat down. As I entered the café and ordered my usual soy chai, I looked around but barely recognized her. Her hair had been dyed black. "Hey! What have you done to your hair?" Emma put down her book. It was my favorite biography of Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir, one I'd picked up at a writer's festival. "I'm sick of being valued just for my blonde hair. It's my statement for the cause of women!" she said enthusiastically.

I smiled and sat down. "Love it. So you're the token feminist and I'm the token gay activist. Is that how this is gonna play out?" We laughed.

"I actually just dyed it for fun; the protest is secondary," she said with a flourish of conscience. "Also, I'm doing a part for a theatre piece, and it fits with the character." She leaned toward me. "So you know how yesterday we were talking about getting in touch with our spiritual side? I saw a sign for psychic readings down the road. Have you ever had your cards read? I'm kind of curious. Want to go?"

I thought of my past obsession with Wicca and new age religion. I now considered myself an atheist, but I figured there was no harm in a simple reading. We walked down to the health food store, and as we entered, the pungent smell of vitamin, tablets, dietary supplements, and patchouli oil filled our senses. I strode up to the counter, where a woman with dreadlocks tied up in a bun was sitting, filing through the day's receipts. "Could we please have our tarot read?"

She looked at the clock. "Sorry, there's only one reading left for today. I can arrange it for one of you in 15 minutes. It's $20 for 30 minutes." Emma was happy to go another day, so we waited for my reading. I was filled with nervous excitement. When it was time, I passed through the beaded strands that hung in the doorway, clicking exotically together. A rosy-cheeked woman with dark hair and a large, purple velvet coat greeted me. Sandalwood incense filled the room; aromatic candles flickered in the background. The fragrance was effusive and intense but pleasant.

"Nice to meet you, David. I'm Rose," she said. "Let's begin." 

We sat down at the table. She looked into my eyes for a moment, then pulled out her deck. Shuffling it, she placed the deck facedown on the table, and then drew tarot cards from the top, placing them faceup in front of me until a full reading had been laid out. I was skeptical, almost amused by the spectacle. People believe in this stuff? I mean, it's fun, but ... seriously?

Rose inspected my cards. She seemed to be consulting a spirit guide in the form of a Native American sketched on a paper next to her. Suddenly, she looked at me in amazement.

"Incredible! You are very blessed! I need to tell you this now. You are a child of the light, destined to be with the greatest mediator in the spiritual realms, Jesus Christ. He has chosen you!"

I was a bit glazed for the rest of my reading, not really listening to her half hour of babbling about the various cards laid before me. Jesus Christ? Back at the café, I fumed. "Emma, I think that medium is actually an undercover Christian evangelist."

She sipped her latte and cackled. "Uhhh ... what?"
"She said I was destined to be with Jesus. I don't think she knew who she was talking to!"
"Maybe she's right, David," Emma said matter-of-factly.
I made a face. "What do you mean? There's no way I'd ever become a Christian."

| 2 | Christmas Conflicts and the Spirit of Grace at the Holiday Table

I believed the Christian God was a moral monster who had punished his son on the cross as an act of divine child abuse. 
Jesus had become a weapon in the hands of homophobes, used to deprive LGBTQI people of their rights. 
It was as if we were being stripped of dignity and deleted from existence. 

I came to understand that like many Christians my Aunt Helen had used the wrong words to communicate both her stance and her concern for me. My uncle Brendan also deeply cared for gay people. But in my mind, he and Helen were still bigots. Anyone who disagreed with me or had a different vision of marriage was automatically a bigot. No qualification needed. But on this Christmas day, I took my seat, trying to rise above their hatred. I'll just ignore them, I thought.

As we ate, I talked with my cousin next to me. Suddenly I overheard Uncle Brendan mention God and something about truth. Truth was a dangerous word. Through my university lectures, I had adopted the key doctrine of postmodern worldview: there are no absolutes. Such "truths" are just ways to control other people. 

"Are you kidding me? There's no absolute truth and certainly no God," I proclaimed, breaking up the conversation around me. All my relatives stared at me, and the whole room went silent. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Aunt Helen recoil at my assertion. "I've studied postmodern philosophy. I can tell you there is no absolute truth," I told my uncle. "You can't even communicate truth with language, so please don't try to talk to me about God. It's ridiculous, a delusion. You can't have an exclusive claim to know God. I have many atheist, Hindu, and Muslim friends. Do you really think they're going to hell because they don't know your Jesus?"

"David, there are a few issues with what you are saying," Brendan said, cutting through my exasperation. "Like what?" I asked irascibly. "You say, 'There is not absolute truth' as if it is an absolute truth, and you also used language to communicate that. You just doubly contradicted yourself," he said. He glanced at my aunt. "For me and your aunt, the truth is a Person we know, not just a concept in our heads. He's someone we have a real relationship with." He turned back to me. 

"Just because our understanding of Him isn't always perfect doesn't change that He's the absolute truth. It's his perfect grace, not 'perfect' knowledge of God, that saves us, David."


I pushed my plate away. "But what about all the evil the Church has done to LGBTQI people? Do you really think I'd believe you after all of that?" I shook my head. "I can't believe 'God' would create us this way and then punish us for it. And what about all of the other religions? ... " I stood up to leave.

My aunt and uncle also left soon afterward. Years later I learned that on the way home, they talked about my response. "When David was talking, I saw the Holy Spirit over him. He's going to be saved and baptized with the Spirit in three months' time," Brendan told my aunt confidently.

Aunt Helen stared at him, incredulous. "Are you sure? Didn't you see his reaction?" He nodded. My uncle wasn't one to push things like prophecy. He was reserved about making extraordinary claims, and yet this time he was adamant. 

God's grace was reaching out to me in my deepest anger. He had started through my uncle's apologetic witness. And Brendan was right. One hundred percent. I had only three months of atheism left.

| 3 | Experiencing the Love of God at a Short Film Festival

The Bible was a dangerous book. 
The Christian faith was bad news. 
For everyone ... 

Madeline was a finalist in one of the largest short film competitions in the world, a huge accomplishment for a young creative. Everyone was talking about her in my screenwriting class, and I wanted to interview her for the student magazine. It would easily make the best feature article. Unlike a lot of my peers, whose creative projects centered on them, Madeline was using her gifts to raise awareness for those often misunderstood or forgotten — people with disabilities. Having a disabled uncle, I found her work inspiring. As I approached, her brown eyes warmed in recognition, and we said hello. Her hair was cut short, and she wore red lipstick and a black dress. Right away I launched into the question I wanted to ask. 

"How did you become a finalist? You just graduated!"
"That depends," she said. "Do you want the real answer or the interview answer?"
I laughed, unprepared for what would follow. "The real answer, of course!"
"God led me to make the film."

Madeline must have seen the shock on my face. I remembered the conversation with my aunt and uncle over Christmas lunch. Please don't mention Jesus, I thought. I couldn't see how Christianity had anything to do with her work. How could a faith that oppressed me and so many others motivate her to do such good? 

"So, which God?" I asked, with a hint of sarcasm. "We talking, like, Vishnu here?" "Jesus," she said. A thousand objections flooded me as I thought of this God who stood in the way of my community's progress in society. And yet ... Madeline wasn't like the other moralizing, intolerant, anti-intellectual, homophobic, anti-feminist Christians I'd met.

She explained that she too struggled with Christian stereotypes and the small-mindedness found in parts of the Christian community. The key word in John 3:16, she said, was whoever: "God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." ... 

"Do you think there's a God?" she asked. Not a hint of ulterior motive or trying to convert me. Just an open question. "Well, I'm basically an atheist, but I believe there's a Something, I guess. I'm a spiritual person, and I think you have to be blind to believe there's absolutely nothing behind life," I said, looking down at my drink. "I just don't like organized religion. I'm gay, so I know this Christian God isn't an option for me. I've never understood how if he existed, he'd give me these desires, then condemn me."

I expected her to quibble or awkwardly change the subject, like many of my Christian friends. But Madeline didn't hesitate. 

"David, have you ever experienced the love of God?" 

"What do you even mean? No." My only impression of Him was that of an angry, distant diety. "God loves everyone right where they are," Madeline said. I wanted to recoil at her words, yet something drew me deeper. ... She paused. "... I'd never usually ask this, but ... can I pray for you?"

Instantly I had an internal war over how to respond. Should I say yes or no? A voice in my mind whispered, You're a good agnostic; you have to be open to prayer, because you don't know if there's a God. Any other response is intellectually dishonest and close-minded. Another thought, this one louder, came on its heels: Get away from this crazy fundamentalist! She's brainwashed like those Christians you read about in the newspaper! The gentler voice won. "Yes, you can pray for me," I said finally. "But I don't think anything is going to happen."

As Madeline laid her hands on me and prayed, the bustle of the pub faded away. I entered into a stillness, a peace. Soon I felt a soft tingling on the crown of my head that slowly intensified, as if someone was pouring oil over me. The warm sensation ran down my entire body like a current of water. It was unlike anything I'd ever felt before. In a moment, in that experience so totally from outside me, so totally unasked for, everything turned upside down in my mind. All my searching in religion, in relationships, in atheism — none of it compared with this love coursing through me like electricity.

For the first time, I knew God was real and that He loved me. This changes everything, I realized. As my eyes filled with tears, I heard a voice in my head say, softly at first, Do you want Me? It cut to my core, to a deeper place I never knew existed. ... If you are really there, then yes, I said, to my own surprise. As soon as I did, a laser-like pinprick of light pierced the darkness over my heart and entered that mysterious place deep inside me. I was later to find out that Jesus speaks of this place in John 7:38 as the innermost being, from which rivers of living water, God's Spirit, flow for those who believe in Him. Then I felt a wind, like someone breathing on me, filling me with life. It was as if I were taking my first breath.

"Madeline!" I said, both frightened and exhilarated, "I'm breathing without taking a breath! What's happening?" "David, that' the Holy Spirit filling you. He loves you," she said, unaware of my internal dialogue. As she kept praying, I heard the voice ask, Will you accept my Son, Jesus, as your Lord and Savior?

Immediately I was offended by the Christian nature of the question. Once again the war inside raged like a tug-of-war over my soul. I heard two voices. The first said, What you're feeling is a psychological reaction. It's just wish fulfillment! Get away from here! A calmer quieter voice followed it: I am calling you, David. This is real and true. You've never experienced anything like this in all your searching. This internal struggle felt like the longest moment of my life. Then the most reluctant of words came from my mouth: "Yes, I accept Your Son, Jesus, as my Lord and Savior." ...

I was dumbfounded. 
I was an atheist gay activist, perhaps the least likely of anyone to ever find Jesus. 
But in that moment, I knew I had become a new person.

As I opened the door to my parents' house, I could see the light was on. My mother was up later than usual. When I entered the living room, she saw my face and knew something had happened. "David? Is everything okay?"

I couldn't say it. It was as if admitting what had happened meant I had to eat my words and objections to my mother's faith. "Mum, tonight ... I ... uh ... think I've become ... uh ... a Christian," I said sheepishly. For a minute she stared at me, awestruck. The moment my news sunk in, she jumped up and hugged me. My mother's reactions always had a hint of drama about them — she had been an opera singer in her younger years, "David, I prayed that if He was truly the God of the impossible, God would save you, because you were so impossible to save! Now I know He can do anything!" she said, wiping away tears.

She told me Aunt Helen had been praying for 11 years that I would come to know Jesus. She also told me about Uncle Brendan's prophecy after Christmas lunch. I quickly did the math and realized that day was exactly 3 months ago. My salvation had been foretold more than once, it seemed.

I began to see I was the object of a benevolent divine conspiracy to reveal the love of God to me.

+ The adapted excerpts above are taken from Chapters 2, 4, and 7-8 of David's Unexpected Story of a Gay Activist Discovering Jesus. To hear a little bit more from David, you can also see him share:


And to hear from more LGBTQ+ and SSA followers of Jesus about the worth, the cost, and the rest of abiding in Him with sexuality, the Spirit, and the Scriptures, I would encourage you to to take a look at the FREE 8-part series:


Bonus Story: Genia and Misha

Genia married first at 17 and had her first three children with a chronically unfaithful man. She tried to turn her marriage around, but it didn't work. Instead, she had an affair with another woman, who gave her the relational connection she craved. When her marriage finally broke up, Genia became depressed and suicidal. She was part of a church and had met a young woman named Misha through a friend in her Bible study group. Misha kept vigil over her. "We were at a lake house," Genia recalls. "I could have just walked out into the water." 
Misha had no history of same-sex attraction, but one thing led to another and she and Genia fell in love. They moved in together, entered into common-law marriage, and (through a sperm bank) had a child. Everything was well until Misha's grandpa died. She started wondering about mortality and told Genia she wanted to go to church. "I was fine and happy until I went back to church," Genia said. "That was when God started tugging at my heart again." God's call became so clear that Genia told Misha they couldn't go on as they were. At first, Misha took it very badly. But after a period of resisting and even having an affair herself, Misha gave her life to Christ. "Her transformation was amazing," Genia recalls. 
All this time, Genia's daughter and son-in-law, who pastors a church in Nashville, had been loving and praying for the two of them. When Genia and Misha came to Christ, they knew they couldn't continue in a sexual relationship. ... But as they prayed, they both felt called instead to restart their lives in the church family Genia's son-in-law served. That church had been deeply instrumental in Misha's faith journey and felt like their spiritual home. So in the end, all three of them moved in with Genia's daughter and son-in-law, who were also raising little girls. Rather than being broken up, their family grew, and their relationship changed. "We were lovers," Genia explains, "and now we're sisters." With words that brought tears to my eyes, Genia told me that she and Misha are closer now as sisters in Christ than they ever were as lovers." ... Today, most people associate non-traditional family—the sense of corporate closeness that doesn't depend on DNA—with LGBTQIA+ people. But the first pioneers of such community were Christians. As one second-century commentator put it, Christians have "a common table, not a common bed."
+ The Secular Creed, pgs. 56-57; also see No Longer Strangers: Belonging in a World of Alienation



Christ is all,

Rev. Mike "Sully" Sullivan 


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