CN | He Speaks in the Silence: Leaning In ... and Letting Go

"My own faith failed, not when I questioned God's power to heal me, but when I doubted His goodness at the deepest level because He chose not to heal me. I have been humbled, deepened, chastised, and charmed by His bringing me close to whisper sweet wisdom into my broken ears." + Diane Comer

To finish 2020's first set of City Notes, I'm sharing part of the story of Diane, a woman, wife, and young mother of three who prayed for God to heal her sudden deafness brought on in her 20s ... and He said, "No." Here are the links to the first two posts:

+ In the Silence: The Fear & the Fury & the Beautiful No

+ He Speaks in the Silence: Treasures in the Darkness

Through Diane's story, God has shared a bit more of things I hold onto too tightly and can demand of Him in my own self-defensive anger. If more of what you read from her own words resonates with you, I encourage you to pick up and read her story in He Speaks in the Silence: Finding Intimacy with God by Learning to Listen. The third and last post excerpt from her book in this City Notes series is below.

"Leaning In ... A Story of Letting Go" excerpts adapted from Diane Comer's He Speaks in the Silence: Finding Intimacy with God by Learning to Listen

To lose one's hearing is to lose control. ... And I have learned that one of the surest ways to hear God is to let go of control.

Either by design or because all illusion of control has been ripped away from my grasping hands (and ears), the One who calls Himself my shepherd steps close when I've lost my way. He is near. And His nearness is all I need, all that really helps when life is not what it should be.

I cannot control the world around me. ... Yet I dare not let my need for control hold me back from living my life fully, from pursuing relationships and adventure, from all the messy unsafeness that comes with being a woman who loves wholeheartedly. I don't want a life filled only with safe decisions. ...

I was learning to rely on God, but it seemed that most of my learning followed closer on the heels of failure. ... God didn't promise that losing my hearing wouldn't hurt. Rather, He assured me that He would be with me in the hurt.

He was with my family as well, letting them see His work in me. They watched my suffering, and one by one chose to identify themselves with the One who spoke into my silence. Maybe that is the greatest gift of all — four kids, grown now, all going after God with passion and purpose. Not because I was perfect, but because they saw that He is.

My children learned early on how much I needed time alone with God. Taking in His words of hope and love, correction and direction, is an essential ingredient of walking close to Him. They learned from me and from their dad that if they value God's Word enough to tuck it into their minds, chewing and relishing the truths they find there, He will "bring it it mind" by breathing its relevance into their daily lives. ...

One sleepless night among many I had had recently, as I was praying all my worried petitions (as if God needed to be reminded over and over again to watch over us), I heard Him tell me to stop. ... "Enough, Di. I don't want you to pray for protection anymore." ... I heard Him speak into my foolishness. Not a severe scolding; no shaming; it was more like a firm Father prying my trembling fingers from the control I felt I must maintain at all times. ... "Of course I'll watch over you. But you've got to trust Me. I came that might have life, and this worry-filled tension is sucking the life right out of you."

That night, I heard my heavenly Father tell me to stop pleading and start giving thanks to Him for all those nights of protection, for decades of security, for a life thus far free of the disasters I dreaded. So I did. And never again did I wake up in fear as before. That nightly ritual of giving thanks worked like a powerful sleeping pill, putting my soul to rest in the hands of the only One who can keep me safe.

A rebuke is a soft sweeping of His thoughts against mine, reminding me of what I already know. Over and over again in the Scriptures, God issues His short decree: Fear not. ... 

I often hear His rebuke through Scripture, from a story that could have been written with my name on it. Like when Abraham caved to Sarah's fussing that maybe God needed help fulfilling His promise of a much-wanted son for the two of them. Her plan to "solve the problem" by forcing her maid into a surrogate pregnancy sent them into a season of unrest that continues to this day. The descendants of that venture have been warring with Abraham's other offspring for centuries since. Paul wrote, "These things happened to them as examples for us. They were written down to warn us ... If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall." Strong words. But even as I am pulled up short, remembering not to "do a Sarah," God leads me to another grace-filled passage where Sarah is celebrated for choosing to "do what is right without being frightened by any fear."

God uses these stories, true and raw and vividly recorded in the Scriptures, to warn me of the turmoil that lies ahead if I choose a faithless path. This One whose wisdom spans the centuries brings real stories into my life and shows me the way to rest. I read the stories and He speaks truth and wisdom and rightness, showing me "the right way to go." The way I should take lest I trip myself right into a miry, mucky pit from which I'd undoubtedly mess up my own story.

When I say God speaks in the silence, this is what I mean. He speaks, using words that guide us in life and fill our minds with rest. "Here's the paradox: If we don't listen, we never enter His rest." Yet if we don't enter His rest, we never listen." Sometimes we just can't hear through the hollering of our own relentless worry. And so we wonder if God has gone silent, if He's awake when we need Him most. ... He will not yank me into rest; instead, He invites me to sit beside Him in the quiet stillness of His lordship. Choose rest, Di. Is that just me talking to myself? Maybe. But I'm not nearly as nice to myself as He is. All too often, I lambast myself for being dense, for not doing better, for slipping into fretting. He doesn't do that. I can lay hold of the calm I so badly need by listening to the Spirit, who uses His Word to reprove and rebuke and remind and exhort me. In order to enter that rest, I must choose. ... He wants each of us to know that He means it when He says, "Come to Me with your hears wide open. Listen, and you will find life."

I am here and I want you to listen to Me. I am giving you a gift. I am going to teach you to hear. But first you are going to have to learn to listen.

Next post: CN | Dusty Ones: Wild Wanderings in the Desert Spaces

Here are links to previous City Notes books: A Meal with Jesus; The Art of Neighboring; A Praying Life; The Rest of God; Everyday Church; Letters to a Birmingham Jail; Notes from a Failed Missionary on Rediscovering Faith; The Pursuing God; Yawning at Tigers; Moving Towards Emmaus; Evangelical, Sacramental, and Pentecostal; Faith Without Illusions; The Eternal Current; Learning to Speak God; Tattoos on the Heart; Drop the Stones; Hermanas; The Ultimate Exodus

Soli Jesu gloria.

Christ is all,

Rev. Mike “Sully” Sullivan

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