CN | Servant Leadership: "We" Instead of "They"

Conflict is a part of living. How we regard conflict is a test and an act of leadership. How can we turn trouble into opportunity? Most critically, when conflict arises, how can it be seen as a learning point for change and an experience that can strengthen? 

During this unique moment in human history when we are as anxious as we've ever been, I wanted to share some excerpts from one of the best books on servant leadership that I have read, Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times, for this series of City Notes (CN). Here are links to previous posts: CN | Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times and CN | Calm & Courageous Servant Leaders No Matter What. And here is the final section:

Part 3 | The Leader's Challenges: Chapter 7 | We versus They 

The Church has been far too fearful of conflict. Congregational leaders need to come to a new position, one that regards conflict as inevitable, possibly essential. Conflict is a part of living. Too often, however, we react in a primitive way that merely results in a ‘we versus they’ scenario. How we regard conflict is a test and an act of leadership. How can we turn trouble into opportunity? Most critically, when conflict arises, how can it be seen as a learning point for change and an experience that can strengthen the congregation’s functioning? Not all conflicts are equal. Some are harsh and bitter. Yet many conflicts can contribute to the growth of a congregation and make a positive contribution. The quality of leadership applied to the situation determines the outcome. + pg. 99

Church conflict is a growth industry. My experience tells me that about four out of ten congregations in any five-year period face a moderate to serious conflict. About one third of them take effective steps to recognize and address the situation. … Most people seek a quick return to normalcy. But the mere reduction of anxiety is fool’s gold. The lessening of tension is mistaken for the resolution of the conflict. Restoration of equilibrium is not a sign that the congregation’s functioning is improved. + pg. 101

By appeasing rather than opposing, leaders give control to reactive forces. … Sometimes the primary issues in a conflict have nothing to do with transgression or darkness. Simply, there are fundamental differences or inadequacies, and a change is needed for people to flourish. + pg. 103

Congregations continue to impose an idealized image upon themselves. The expectation of many church members is that the church will always reflect and demonstrate love. They think that acknowledging divisions or separations admits to a defect. Not only is the congregation to be the epitome of love but also a replica of a fantasy: warmth and closeness are always found here. If intimacy is threatened, people will hide their disagreements, conceal their disappointments, and place a taboo on certain emotions. No wonder conflict is denied and church members receive little experience in dealing with problems of willfulness, sabotage, immature behavior, and raw emotionality. + pgs. 103-104

Too often someone will cite Acts 2 as the portrayal of an ideal congregation. … When we read further in the book of Acts, we discover that euphoria gives way to lying and pretenses (Acts 5, Ananias and Sapphira deceive their community); serious ruptures between two culturally distinct groups (Acts 6, the Hellenists murmur against the Jews); theological contention (Acts 15:5-11, the community debates whether circumcision was required of Gentiles); and disagreement (Acts 15:36-39, Paul and Barnabas part company). The Acts 2 snapshot may be the ideal, but most congregational living is much less than ideal and reflects the range seen in the entire book of Acts. With the expansion of Christianity, the apostle Paul acknowledges disputes and admonishes contentious people (2 Corinthians 12:20; Galatians 5:15; Ephesians 4:31). The apostle recognizes the knotty realities groups face when diverse people from every race, income bracket, temperament, age level, philosophical persuasion, or family background come together. ‘When church folk feel like their world view or personal integrity is being questioned or condemned,’ Professor Hugh Halverstadt claims, ‘they often become emotionally violent or violating.' Any means are used to justify the goal of emotional self-protection. + pgs. 104-105

A congregation’s balance is disturbed more by people’s strong reaction to one another than by reaction to the issue or the event itself. … In congregations the aggression is seldom physical; it is more often psychological, such as belittling and shaming the other party. … Heat, not light, is the outcome. Forgiveness and reconciliation may not even be mentioned or considered. + pg. 106

A conflict-free congregation is incongruent not only with reality but even more with biblical theology. Jesus upset many people emotionally. The life of Jesus takes place against a backdrop of suspicion, opposition, and crucifixion. The Christian story is underlined with conflict. Early on, we encounter the emotional reactivity of the religious leaders, who see Jesus as a threat to their authority and belief system. Eventually the tension between the roaming preacher and the established religious order comes to a dramatic point. Tension leads to crucifixion. ...

Nowhere in the Bible is tranquility preferred to truth or harmony to justice. Certainly reconciliation is the goal of the gospel, yet seldom is reconciliation an immediate result. If people believe the Holy Spirit is directing the congregation into the truth, wouldn’t this alone encourage Christians who have differing notions to grapple with issues respectfully, lovingly, and responsively? If potent issues are avoided because they might divide the community, what type of witness is the congregation to the pursuit of truth? + pgs. 107-108

The positive path is aided by these actions: 

1) Respecting the sheer strength of survival instincts: In the presence of high tension, expect behavior to be substandard for a while. Being patient in order to move toward improvement, the leader will not make choices driven by the anxiety of the moment. Thoughtfulness will reappear as the primitive instincts subside.

2) Seeking clarity: With misinformation, rumor, and exaggeration bouncing off the wall, confusion is always in attendance. Ask questions. Weigh whether information is reliable and congruent. But also remember that clarity won’t always be comfortable for everyone. Some people will wear emotional blinders. Stay on course. Ultimately, people prefer hearing the truth rather than distortion.

3) Informing: In the early stages of conflict, it is almost impossible to over-inform. As much information as possible is needed. Providing information tends to minimize the need for people to create information for themselves through gossip and embellishments of what they have heard from rumor. By communicating forthrightly, leaders also treat the members as mature adults who can handle whatever information is shared, not as children who need to be protected from bad news.

4) Working with the healthy individuals: To move beyond people’s survival instincts, leaders will be more successful when they work with the most mature, motivated people in the congregation. No one can pour insight into unmotivated people.

5) Structuring a process: The flow of anxiety needs to be contained, and nothing does this better than placing a structure over the anxiety-ridden field. When people sense that there will be an orderly effort in place, people think things are not totally out of control. People yearn for clear and decisive action.

6) Reframing the situation: Instead of anxiously bemoaning what’s happening, leaders can frame the situation as an opportunity for growth. Through this painful encounter, the congregation will emerge stronger, knowing better ways to live together. + pgs. 109-111

Though not easily accomplished, what is required is action, not victory. Someone has to provide a way to focus and to engage the people’s imaginative capacities. How can we move from argument to explanation? If we don’t, we’re entangled in nothing but a trial of strength. How can we use our ingenuity to address our predicament instead of defeating the other side? Leaders are needed who can help design an outcome instead of arbitrating or refereeing an emotional wrestling match. + pg. 113

1) Most people are interested in relieving their own anxiety rather than managing the crisis or planning for a clear direction. Their primary goal is anxiety reduction not congregational renewal.

2) If anxiety is high, people lose their capacity to be self-reflective. They look outward, not at themselves. Self-awareness is dim. And the ability to identify with the life processes of others is impaired.

3) Peace is often preferred over justice.

4) Anxiety not resolved in one relationship will be acted out in another relationship. ‘Unless the leader has a degree of self-knowledge and self-understanding, there is the risk that s/he may use the organization to address her or his own neuroses’ (Peter Senge et al).

5) We gravitate toward information that coincides with our viewpoints and that promises to contribute to our survival.

6) Secrets – that is, hidden agendas and invisible loyalties – in most cases need to be brought to light. What about sin and evil? Expect it; expose it. To expose the demonic, name it (recall the story of Jesus and the demoniac in Mark 5).

7) Reactivity can issue from people who are leaders, erudite, talented, wealthy, well-educated, pious, charming, or normally calm folks. None of the above characteristics indicate that these individuals are mature emotionally.

8) Issues must be clearly identified and individuals must be challenged to act.

9) The sabotage of a process to deal with conflict should be expected. The usual saboteurs will be those who are losing control or not getting what they want from the process.

10) Final or perfect solutions are not available. Conflict leaves things messy. The best solutions to insolvable problems are the approximate solutions – ones that prepare a system for new learning and a new beginning.” + pgs. 113-117

Chapter 8 | Rocking the Emotional Boat

A time may come when you, the leader(s), will have to challenge the congregation, upsetting its balance. You may have to disturb the calm and make decisions that will ignite an emotional uproar. Such a time will ignite an emotional uproar. Such a time will require courage, ‘the courage,’ Old Testament scholar Walter Brueggeman suggests, ‘to be fully present in insistent, asserting ways, the kind of courage that finest Christian piety often avoids.’ + pg. 119

The Indo-European word leith, for leader, means ‘to go forth, to die.’ In the Dutch language, one of the words for leader might be translated ‘martyr’ – one who suffers. Is it foolish to ask, ‘How can I lead and stay alive’? Perhaps not … Under pressure, people demand answers and assurances. Their expectation is that leaders will bring stability, provide safety, and offer quick solutions. Alongside these expectations, people believe that leaders will do all this with a minimum of disruption and no surprises. If not, resistance is inevitable. You, the leader, will be rebuked … Resistance, leaders must remember, is part of the leadership process. Too many leaders retreat or capitulate when resistance becomes loud, rude, and messy, because the unspoken rule is ‘so as not to upset anyone.’ Leaders become pleasers. In return for the pleasing, they escape hostilities. Harvard professor of government Ronald Heifertz states, ‘Followers want comfort, stability, and solutions from their leaders, but that’s babysitting. Real leaders ask hard questions and knock people out of their comfort zones. Then they manage the resulting distress.’ + pg. 121

Humans have a strong tendency to group together and commune. Once this happens, they become comfortable together. They find a sense of satisfaction in standing shoulder-to-shoulder and heart-to-heart. All this comes naturally and is a function of the midbrain, the part of the brain where bonding is processed. It is difficult for individuals who have a close bond to step back, look around, and see things objectively. Not willing to be unpopular with the group, leaders let themselves be co-opted by emotional pressure from the gathering. Enjoying the familiarity the group provides, people just don’t like novelty. Systems resist being upset. + pgs. 121-122 

Leaders cannot expect members to change without objection. People expect their leaders to offer certainty, not to disturb them with the unknowns. Likewise, people expect their leaders to secure order rather than confront them with disturbing choices. Congregational members expect their leaders to supply straightforward solutions that will quickly restore balance. When leaders treat problems as adaptive ones, they receive few accolades from members. But without the willingness to challenge people’s expectations of quick and easy solutions, a leader will be subservient to those expectations. People don’t want leaders to upset them with adaptive solutions that involve change, learning, loss, and uncertainty. However, if no behavior pattern or viewpoint has significantly changed and deep problems have not been addressed, the problems will persist and the boat must be rocked. + pg. 129

I know that most men … can seldom accept even the simplest and most obvious truth if it be such as would oblige them to admit the falsity of conclusions which they have delighted in explaining to colleagues, which they have proudly taught to others, and which they have woven, thread by thread, into the fabric of their lives.” – Leo Tolstoy, 19^th-century Russian writer + pg. 131 

When we look at how Jesus taught, we recognize that much of what he was saying involved adaptive change. He appealed to the right hemisphere, inviting brainstorming and encouraging imagination. In the story of the good Samaritan (Luke 10:29-37), for instance, he didn’t cite a dictionary definition of the neighbor (left brain). He went straight to his listeners’ right hemisphere asking, ‘Can you imagine a Samaritan caring for a Jew?’ When the Gospel writers told the story of Jesus’ encounter with the rich young ruler (Mark 10:17-22), Jesus didn’t exclaim, ‘Great work, son! You’re the most noble example of ethical living in the land. You’ve kept all the rules.’ Instead, he shocked him with the challenge to sell all he possessed and give the profits to the poor. The rich young ruler’s right hemisphere was spinning. This ethical idea didn’t square off with any commandment he knew. Jesus also healed on the Sabbath … Jesus challenged the routine and regimentation of the established order. Prophets deal with ‘adaptive’ work. + pg. 133

The joys of leadership have a counterpart in the pains of leadership. It is the pain that restrains many people in exercising leadership. Leaders have a built-in supply of remedies that will defend them – numbing anxiety, retaliating, quitting, nurturing cynicism, to name a few. Leadership always involves a ‘double-blind bind.’ ‘Protect us,’ members of a community affirm, ‘and provide us with direction,’ as long as protection and direction don’t involve rocking the emotional boat and challenging the community with some adaptive change for which members must take responsibility. It’s a catch-22: protect and direct still holds as the expectations of leaders, but not if it means uncertainty, loss, and pain. Self-management is critical, even more so in the boat-rocking times. Your calm, reflective, and principle-based action can be as infectious as anxiety. While anxiety spreads fast, the effects of a thoughtful approach are slower but eventually more effective and beneficial. + pg. 134

Clarity isn’t always comforting, however, especially if it upsets people’s viewpoints, allegiances, or expectations. … There will be pain for some people. But some pain can’t be worked through without a period in which that pain is deepened. Growth will follow … if a person is going to take the lead in an intervention process, he needs to have some measure of tolerance for pain in others (as well as in himself), believing that pain can be a teacher and a motivator. And a person needs to understand that when s/he stimulates pain in others, they will react in return. Without a deepening of pain, growth seldom happens. Even more, leaders have to give people the freedom not to learn from their own experience. In anxious times, with the emotional boat rocking, learning doesn’t always happen, but it’s the only hope that something may change. + pg. 137

Chapter 9 | To Challenge or to Survive 

The notion that authority cannot be trusted is prevalent today. Leaders are regularly criticized. People in any organization settle into a comfort zone and refuse to budge. People’s expectations of you reach unrealistic proportions – keep everyone’s spirit high, discourage any negative talk, stay loyal to the community’s values, eliminate vexing questions, maintain calm for the sake of togetherness. Sometimes the expectation is, ‘Remember, you are not authorized to push us, quiz us, or surprise us. It you want to be liked, don’t get ahead of us. Be our leader, but keep following us.’ The leader is effectively neutralized. + pg. 139

No choice is more important than whether you choose to be a leader who gets bogged down in survival or one who rises to the level of challenge. Are you driven by the impulsive reactions of others or your own survival instincts? Do you serve thoughtfully and courageously? The biblical story of two brothers, Moses and Aaron, leading the Israelites through the wilderness provides a context to explore the difference between the leader who enjoys the adventure and the leader who automatically ‘makes nice’ or worries about preserving the peace. At a dramatic point in Israel’s history, we see Moses accepting challenge and Aaron committing to survival …’the whole congregation of the Israelites complained against Moses and Aaron …’for you have brought us into this wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger’ (Exod. 16:2-3). It’s a crisis of basic human need coupled with the stress that there is no visible evidence the need will be met. Nevertheless, God hears the pleading cry of the assembly and responds immediately … Moses rises to the occasion and intercedes on behalf of the Israelites. After Aaron automatically surrenders to the people’s emotional pressure for a tangible, visual god, Moses holds no grudge against his brother for a monumental failure. He forgives him and stays connected. Strangely, Moses and Aaron, seen by the people as co-leaders, don’t receive equal treatment. All the blame is spread before the feet of Moses, never Aaron. If the people were about to stone Moses, why is Aaron not subject to the same consequence? Moses doesn’t complain about unfairness. And he doesn’t try to win the people’s favor. Without hesitation, he confronts the congregation for its failures. Often solitary and alone, Moses never abandons the congregation (though he would have liked to have done that on a couple of occasions). Moses has the ability to stay connected with people even when they are emotionally upset.  Moses expresses a solid self that is not negotiable in relationships because it is grounded in principle. He has the courage to keep going forward in spite of wretched conditions and critical opposition. Moses understands that he cannot control the passion and action of these former slaves. He can, however, choose his own response to them, despite the fact that the choices they make are not the ones he would have chosen for them. + pgs. 140-141, 144-145

Nobel Peace Prize winner Elie Wiesel says that Moses has enough of a self to argue (to take a stand). Aaron never does. ‘He accepts everything from everybody.’ Moses knows that leaders inevitable fail someone. That, however, doesn’t prevent Moses from taking action. ‘Moses fights battles and loses some,’ Wiesel says, ‘but never gives up or gives in, whereas Aaron runs away from any violent confrontation.’ Wiesel concludes: ‘Moses is a fervent believer in truth, just as Aaron is in peace – in peace above all.’ Moses represents the leader who is willing to challenge. Aaron portrays the leader who does what is necessary to survive … + pgs. 145-146 

Only when we see the crisis before us as not simply a matter of survival but also a matter of challenge is adaptive change possible. But adaptive change requires a period of disorientation – a formless void. We don’t know what is coming next. We find ourselves in the strange wilderness. The safe, known world with all of its pleasurable feelings is gone for a time, and not until we live out that time do we come to a new beginning – a reorientation. When people stagger in this no-man’s land, three patterns form: the instant solution, the short-term fix, and adaptive change … For leaders to act on the courage of their conviction rather than on the power of their feelings takes time. Yet courage enables leaders to resist those who insist on immediate relief or who want others to take care of things in order to excuse themselves from making a tough decision or taking responsibility. Adaptive change is possible because people are willing to hold back the tendency to revert to the old way of reactivity and to learn new responses. When a congregation becomes destabilized, the two automatic ways to restore order are through survival behaviors, evidenced in patterns one (the instant solution) and two (the short-term fix). Only pattern three (adaptive change), however, allows for new learning. Why is learning so important? If a congregation does not use the disorientation period for understanding what has happened and challenging itself to take steps to shift the system, the chances are great for patterns one and two to repeat themselves in the future. No emotional system changes unless people change how they function with one another. + pgs. 146, 148 

Challenge leaders are quite different from survival leaders. For challenge leaders, adaptive change is primary. On the other hand, survival leaders are safety focused. ‘The safest place for ships is in the harbor,’ Edwin Friedman wrote, ‘but that’s not why ships were built.’ Leaders were chosen to lead – with all the risk that may involve. 

Challenge leaders:

1) take thoughtful action,

2) risk goodwill for the sake of truth,

3) stay the course (hold steady), and

4) manage self.

Survival leaders: 

1) take expedient action based on emotional pressures,

2) play it safe for the benefit of preserving stability,

3) use quick fixes for restoring harmony, and

4) find scapegoats to blame, look outside of self (but ultimately not to God) for rescuing. + pgs. 148-149 

Challenge leaders have the capacity to give power to the future in contrast to survival leaders who give power to the past or to the present. + pg. 155

Henri Nouwen, a renowned writer on spiritual living, suggested that if we are to be leaders who challenge, we can never forget that humility and courage are both necessary: There is within you a lamb and a lion. Spiritual maturity is the ability to let the lamb and lion lie down together. Your lion is your adult, aggressive self. It is your initiative-taking and decision-making self. But there is also your fearful, vulnerable lamb, the part of you that will easily become a victim of your need for other people’s attention. The art of spiritual living is to fully claim both your lion and your lamb. Then you can act assertively without denying your own needs. And you can ask for affection and care without betraying your talent to offer leadership. + pg. 157

You are called to lead. Nouwen wrote: ‘Developing your identity as a child of God in no way means giving up your responsibilities. Likewise, claiming your adult self in no way means that you cannot become increasingly a child of God. In fact, the opposite is true. The more you can feel safe as a child of God, the freer you will be to claim your mission in the world as a responsible human being.’ Nouwen places the lamb and lion together; the child and the adult; humility and courage; safety in being a son or daughter of God and freedom to lead. Your ministry of leadership is grounded in the freeing gift of God’s grace. In Christ, you are no longer a slave in bondage to fear. Knowing yourself to be accepted as a child of God, you are free to serve in love. As a responsible representative of God’s love, you are free to take initiative to test your thoughts, to honor your intuition, to see what requires doing, and to accomplish it. You can be faithful to your task because you believe God is faithful to you. Anxious times test your wisdom, your patience, and your hope. But you draw courage knowing, ‘those who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint’ (Isaiah 40:31). Faith does not deliver you from the turmoil and unevenness of being human. You will continue to be tempted to conform to the pressure of the moment rather than to create a new future … When you are tempted to give in, uncertain, or under the protection of your own automatic defenses, think of Psalm 27: ‘The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid? I believe that I shall see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Wait for the LORD!' (Psalm 27:1, 13, 14).” + pgs. 159-160

Here are links to previous CN books: A Meal with Jesus; The Art of Neighboring; A Praying Life; Encounters with Jesus; The Rest of God; Letters to a Birmingham Jail; Notes from a Failed Missionary on Rediscovering Faith; The Pursuing God; Yawning at Tigers; Moving Towards Emmaus; Evangelical, Sacramental, and Pentecostal; Faith Without Illusions; Learning to Speak God; Drop the Stones; He Speaks in the Silence; The Dusty Ones; A Beautiful Disaster; Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times Part 1 and Part 2

Christ is all,

Rev. Mike “Sully” Sullivan

Email Pastor Mike | Website | Visit Us | Support Us | Facebook Us