CN | Growing in Predictable Patterns of Love as a Family

City Notes (CN): Books in 25 minutes or less

CN are meant to provide you with direct quotes from some books I've read in the last year, so you can get a taste of the overall theme of the book and then begin to chew on what your life might look like if you applied what you read. Here are the previous notes for Family on Mission:

• Why Family on Mission in the Everday Fabric of Life?
• Integrating Discipleship into Jesus' Family on Mission

Chapter 7 | Leading as Spiritual Parents

“Healthy families need parents, and spiritual families need spiritual parents – people who take responsibility to lead the family by laying down their lives and serving the family." – pg. 55

"Jesus used his last words to commission his disciples to make more disciples, of all peoples, who would then make more disciples. The message was clear: to be a disciple meant that you learn how to make disciples – an ever-multiplying movement meant to bless the whole world. ... interestingly, after Acts 21, the word disciple disappears from the New Testament record. It isn't mentioned in any of Paul's, Peter's, or John's letters. All of them were trained as disciples, all of them trained their own disciples, and Jesus' last will and testament was to make disciples. So why don't they talk about discipleship in their letters? Well, they do talk about discipleship after Acts 21 – they just do it contextually. ... when Paul talks about the Corinthian believers having many 'tutors' (pedagogoi) but not many fathers (in 1 Corinthians 4:14-17), he was referring to a pattern of life that everyone understood. They would have known he meant that there were lots of people around who could give them the right information, but what they truly needed to grow into the fullness of life in Christ was a father – a spiritual parent who would invite them into his or her life, giving access so they could imitate the way of Christ in the spiritual parent's life.” – pgs. 55-57

" ... the actual goal of being a disciple is to become who the rabbi is. Not just to know what he knows, but to become like him. ... The New Testament essentially replaces the rabbi-disciple relationship of the Gospels with the parent-child relationships of the epistles. ... Spiritual parents lead by example, give access to others to stand at your shoulder and imitate you as you imitate Christ, the model of what spiritual parenting is all about.” – pg. 58

" ... being a spiritual parent means:

• Cultivating spiritual depth
• Submitting to God, above your own agenda
• Sacrificing your personal desires for the good of the family you are leading ... 

For Jesus, being a leader wasn't just about influencing people – it was about parenting children. It wasn't just a matter of trying to increase his reach – it was a matter of laying down his life for those he had taken responsibility for. Parenting is about love, which includes influence but encompasses much more. ... Jesus was the disciples rabbi, their master, their Lord. Jesus models spiritual depth, submission, and sacrifice perfectly for his disciples." – pgs. 59-60

(1) “More than anyone else, Jesus had spiritual depth. He knew the source of his ability to minister effectively was the quality of his relationship with his Father. This is why he often rose early to pray, even after a late evening of ministry. He knew the secret of his power was that the Father was in him, and he was in the Father. This is the relationship he invited the disciples to share as they began to invest in others, becoming spiritual parents themselves. Spiritual parents operate from their spiritual depth. Jesus makes it clear that they cannot simply be people with a lot of natural leadership skill, or charisma, or influence, or gravitas. They must be people who are intimately connected to God, like a branch is connected to a vine – constantly dwelling in the nourishing relationship that allows the branch to bear fruit. Spiritual parents are people who are growing ever deeper in their walk with God. ... Draw on your relationship with God for the resources you need to parent those who are following you. Share with them out of the overflow of what God is doing in your own life.” – pg. 60

(2) "Spiritual parents who carry authority are those who are submitted to authority. Jesus did not operate independently. He laid aside the independent use of his divine attributes and submitted himself to operating as a human being to show us the way. Jesus said he did only what he saw the Father doing. He was radically submitted to the Father's agenda, and followed through with it even to the point of cruel torture and death on a Roman cross. 'Not my will, but yours be done' is the prayer of a spiritual parent who is submitted to his Parent. As we see in Jesus, being submitted means that we are prepared to set aside our own agendas for the greater good. It means we are able to set aside our own personal desires and ambitions for the purposes of the blessing and growth of the group we're called to lead." – pg. 61

"Jesus told a parable about a man who had two sons (in Matthew 21:28-32). He told the first to go and work in the vineyard. 'I will not!' the first son said, but later changed his mind and worked. The man told his second son to go and work in the vineyard, to which he replied, 'I will, sir!' but then never went. Jesus' point was that the first son did the will of his father, despite his protests. That's what it means to truly submit. It means you share freely what you think about things, but at the end of the day, do it anyway. The non-submissive person is the one who stays silent, pretending or even intending to do what has been asked of him, but never actually doing it." – pgs. 61-62

(3) "Leadership doesn't mean you get to boss people around – it means you get to serve and sacrifice for others. Jesus pointed to his own life as an example of how to lead, how to be a spiritual parent. As spiritual parents, we are called to sacrifice for those we are leading. Would the people we lead say that we serve them? Or would they say that they serve us? ... Do we serve people or use them? Empower them or overpower them? Control and dominate or serve and help flourish? Spiritual parents lay down their lives for those they lead – they give blood, sweat, and tears in the midst of a relationship, not just advice and technique from a distance."– pgs. 62-63

"We see the early church emulating this method of leadership. The Apostle John writes to his 'dear children.' The Apostle Paul casts himself in the role of a father to the Corinthian church, and like any good father in those days, urges them to imitate him. Paul even refers to himself as a 'nursing mother' to the Thessalonian believers, loving and sharing his life with them. It's a very tender picture of what it really feels like to enter into this kind of relationship with others. Being a leader in the early church meant being a spiritual parent to those who were following you, which meant taking responsibility for the welfare of your children. You lay down your life for them. You sacrifice for them." – pg. 66    

Chapter 8 | Growing in Predictable Patterns // Why Predictable Patterns  

"Cornel West once said that 'justice is what love looks like in public.' I love that, and I'd take it further to say that predictable patterns are what love looks like in a family. Just as justice is the key to society flourishing, so too predictable patterns are the key to the flourishing of a family on mission. ... In a culture that values novelty and spontaneity, it is fashionable to view predictability as a bit boring – not as exciting as mission seems like it should be. So let's ask: Why are we so keen on predictable patterns? Where do we see this in Scripture? ... (Jesus) established predictable patterns with his disciples in the regular meals they eat together, his itinerant teaching, times of retreat and rest, routines of synagogue attendance and temple worship, and regular rhythms of personal prayer. ... The early church picked up on this theme. The book of Acts reports that after the huge influx of believers on the day of Pentecost, they devoted themselves to the predictable patterns of the apostles' teaching, the breaking of bread, fellowship, and prayer. These were commitments they made, not just events they attended if they didn't have anything else going on. It was a discipline, a rhythm for them. The predictable pattern allowed them to grow more deeply into faith." – pgs. 70-71

"Stability: Predictable patterns mean that the most important things are done intentionally and consistently. This brings stability to the family. The rhythm of knowing what's coming brings peace and comfort to the life of any family. ... Predictable patterns are the fixed points of reference we put into our schedule to make sure we are actually practicing the most important things in life. I can't expect my kids to value prayer and time in the Bible if we haven't done that together each day as a family. I can't expect my kids to value deep relationships unless we have regular times, like meals, where we gather together to pay attention to one another and share our lives with each other." – pg. 71

"Security: Embracing predictable patterns over time builds stability, and when stability is experienced over time, it creates security for the members of a family. They become secure in their identity, which then becomes an unshakable foundation they carry with them wherever they go. People who are secure in their identity can become spiritual parents and make disciples. People who aren't secure in their identity can't. ... Our families need the stability that comes from predictable patterns of UP, IN, and OUT. Those patterns give us security in our identity, so we know who we are and why we exist as a family. Covenantal identity and security is the root from which the tree of kingdom mission grows." – pg. 72

"Significance: What does operating out of a secure identity produce? The ability to live a life of significance. ... we know that if we engage in our work from a place of security in our identity, our work will be significant, meaning that it is being used by God to advance his kingdom, whether anyone knows about it or not. Jesus was always going about his Father's business, which meant it was always significant, whether he was being followed by adoring crowds or being threatened with death by those same crowds, whether he was preaching to thousands or praying with a few friends in a garden, whether people were amazed at his teaching or appalled at his crucifixion." – pg. 72

"Predictable patterns involve these three things: (1) Love, (2) Discipline, and (3) Freedom. These aren't three different things to do at different times – they are elements of an integrated whole. Love, for example, isn't something different from discipline. In a spiritual family on mission, love is expressed to children through discipline and freedom." – pg. 73

 

Chapter 8 | Growing in Predictable Patterns // What Love Looks Like

"It's important to be constant, unchanging, and vocal in our love for one another, just as we are with our biological children. We continually have to repeat: we don't love you for what you do, but for who you are. We try to do exactly the same for our extended spiritual family, giving public praise but private discipline." – pg. 74

"One of the ways Mike and I tried to be intentional with unconditional love was to spend time looking at and talking with our children about their weaknesses. It's easy for children to feel loved when we praise them for something they are good at, but if that's the only time they experience love from us, we may be sending them a subtle but powerful message that they experience love only when they perform well. We wanted our children to experience love in the midst of failure and weakness, so we made it a normal practice to talk with them about their failures and weaknesses, the things they weren't good at and needed to grow in. It wasn't scolding; it was simply an expression of love to kindly point out areas of struggle for them. The result was that they became very secure and able to receive challenge, because they knew they were loved even when being challenged. ... We all knew each other's weaknesses and tendencies, but simply loved on another in the midst of it. Everyone knew that they were loved even in the midst of their failures. At least that was our goal. We didn't always get it right, of course, but it's amazing how much grace there is when you simply make a choice to unconditionally love your children for who they actually are, not who you want them to be. When we did get it wrong, we simply apologized to our children. This is a really important thing for parents to do. This further reinforced the idea that our family was a safe place to fail." – pg. 75

Chapter 8 | Growing in Predictable Patterns // What Discipline and Freedom Look Like

" ... the role of parents is to raise adults who are good people rather than trying to make sure our kids always like us and become our friends. If you raise your kids to be good people, there will be a strong possibility they will be friends with you when they grow up, but this cannot be your goal. If your goal in parenting is for your kids to like you, you'll never be able to give them the kind of investment they need to become mature adults. ... What we sought to do for our children was to establish discipline that positively reinforced behavior that was unselfish, considerate, and helpful to others." – pg. 76

" ...  we met twice a day for meals as a family: breakfast and dinner. It didn't matter what you were involved in or how tired you were, you needed to show up at breakfast and dinner. We didn't allow individual preference to define how we lived together. Sometimes that meant we had breakfast really early in the morning if I was leaving for a trip. Sometimes it meant you couldn't go out with your friends until after dinner. Breakfast and dinner were times of re-connection and value-strengthening. We prayed together, ate together, discussed together. Pretty much every day. It was a discipline that reinforced our value of community instead of individualism." – pg. 76

"Discipline is really about creating a framework that keeps returning us to who God is and who we are. You could think about discipline as a framework that helps us remember who we are. Punishment is about behavior, but discipline is about identity." – pg. 77

Deb Sternke, who is part of the 3DM team, recently came up with a chart that helps parents distinguish between punishment and discipline.

Punishment                                            Discipline
Focus on past misdeeds              Focus on future good works
Repayment                                    Guidance        
Getting what you deserve               Getting what you need
Guilt, fear, shame                         Security, love, support
Disempowering                             Empowering
Behavior-focused                          Identity-focused
Inflicting penalty                           Training for maturity
Suffering for wrong-doing           Appropriate consequences

" ... sometimes we needed to confront behavior that didn't line up with our values, but it was always very important for us to distinguish between childish foolishness (which is to be expected) and rebellion (which is something entirely different). We always disciplined attitude (not just behavior) if it was selfish or individualistic, because the ability to sacrifice and submit are like skills that you can learn, rather than personality traits. Foolishness or irresponsibility was met with simple correction, such as a new boundary or conversation. Rebellion (things like deception and willful disobedience) were met with the revocation of privilege. The message was that these kinds of things are out-of-bounds in a covenant relationship like family." – pg. 78

"We don't expect perfect performance, but we expect a lot in terms of conduct and character. What we find is that when we expect these things, people tend to grow into it. What happens with this kind of discipline is that anyone who was raised within its framework becomes confident instead of fearful. Punishment produces fear and insecurity, but discipline produces confidence and security. That's exactly what people need if they're going to lean into freedom." – pgs. 78-79

" ... a moderately disciplined life lets you soar. We need to give our spiritual children permission and empowerment to soar, to explore, to try things. Jesus was constantly giving his disciples way more freedom than they were comfortable with, seeing what they'd do with it, curious how they'd manage it. He sent them out two by two to try the things he'd been doing himself up until that point. When they returned, he was overjoyed that their adventure had borne good fruit. They had gone out in freedom, and then returned to the framework of their predictable patterns together. ... A family on mission needs to have an environment where it's OK to try things out before we know if we're good at them or not. There needs to be an ability to tell some jokes, lighten up and laugh a bit." – pg. 79 

Chapter 8 | Growing in Predictable Patterns // Predictable Patterns Today
  
" ...  every morning Monday through Friday, we spend thirty minutes worshiping, praying, and reading Scripture. It is a predictable pattern, and we often have visitors who come and join us from the surrounding community. Nobody wonders if that will be happening – you can predict it will happen because it's our regular pattern. We typically have twenty or more people in the room now, but we practiced this predictable pattern years ago when it was just a few of us." – pg. 82

"Every Sunday evening we gather at 6 PM for a more extended time of worship and word. Many from the surrounding community join us for this as well. It's a predictable pattern that implants security in our family on mission." – pg. 82

"Even little things make a difference. You can predict that Mike will be watching a movie on Friday night and watching soccer on Saturday morning. You can predict that I will find a way to go to Starbucks on the weekend. You can predict that our oikos will gather at the beach at least once a month. You know what to expect when you come into our home." – pg. 82

"So if you're running a Missional Community, it's probably really helpful to have the mugs in the same place every time, the same rules about the toys in the basement, the same location and rules for the food, the same location for the coats, etc. Try as much as possible to do the same things every time. When we host dinners in our home, for example, people can typically predict that we will spend some time eating together, and later we might go out onto the deck to sit by the fire. If you're part of the family, you know you're expected to be warm and hospitable to the guests, and help out with the setting and cleaning up. Predictable patterns just help people feel confident because they aren't stressed about what might happen. They know what's happening and what's expected, and how to be part of what's going on. ... all of this is basically hard work. It's actually not complicated; it's just hard work to stay consistent even when you feel like you want to take a break. Stick with it, because the product you get at the end of it is worth it! A family on mission that has security in their identity is a force to be reckoned with." " – pgs. 82-83    

"One of the families at 3DM has been doing family breakfast for about a year now. They have a very simple rhythm: while eating together, they do three things within the span of about 10 minutes: 

1. They share what they are thankful and hopeful for today.
2. They read a portion of Scripture together.
3. They pray together for the day and any needs.

They've been practicing this for a year or so. One recent morning, both Mom and Dad were sick and unable to be at breakfast as usual. To their delight, they heard their kids leading family breakfast by themselves! One child led the time of sharing what they were thankful and hopeful for, another read Scripture from their devotional book, and a third led the family in prayer. Then they went off to school! Predictable patterns are powerful in shaping the culture of a family on mission." – pg. 84

Chapter 9 | Moving Out in Missional Purpose

" ... the reason the family exists has to be defined by missional purpose. Mission is the integrating principle that makes any family on mission work, as the name itself suggests. What's the mission? ... the mission is Jesus. It is defined by Jesus, and it consists of Jesus. The life of Jesus is the organizing principle of every family on mission. Different families on mission have specific missional purposes toward certain neighborhoods or relational networks, of course, but the mission is always multiplying the life of Jesus into that neighborhood or network. Our missional purpose is to reproduce Jesus by making disciples who make disciples." – pg. 85

"Missional purpose means imitating Jesus as we: 

• Listen for the word of Jesus: Jesus told his disciples that the key to living a life in God's kingdom was letting his words abide in them. This means his words find a home in us. It means we meditate on his words. We listen for the word of Jesus in the Gospels and in prayer for guidance for our lives. How do we live that out? We use the disciplines that followers of Jesus have used down through the centuries to listen for the word. It's actually not very complicated – we read our Bibles, and we pray with our family on mission. This is what we do every day. I read my Bible and let God speak to me through it every day, and every day I worship and pray with my oikos, and that keeps me abiding in the word of Jesus so that I'm always living in response to him. And while it's great to come together for teaching, training, and encouragement, it's also important to remember that you're called to be a well, not a bucket. Eternal life is like a spring that bubbles up within you, and it's more important for you to uncover that well in your own life than it is for you to go and get filled up from someone else's well. This is how we abide in the vine that is Jesus. This is how we embrace and nurture the life of Jesus within us. As we do that, we become much more equipped to multiply that life into the life of others. You actually end up doing it without noticing it. ... Part of your missional purpose needs to be training people to listen for the word of Jesus, so they can begin to live an interactive relationship with him. 

• Live into the way of Jesus: The way of Jesus is often the area that's easiest to skip. ... Jesus had a way of doing things, and his way is not a random method or an incidental strategy. He was intentionally modeling methods and strategies for his disciples that he intended for them (and us) to imitate. ... He didn't do discipleship through information alone; he coupled it with access to his life so his disciples could imitate him. That's the way of Jesus. We live into that by giving others access to our life and offering ourselves as a living, breathing example to imitate. ... discipleship was a group thing, almost every time. Jesus discipled people in groups so the learning could be multiplied. ... the question is always what the way of Jesus is. How did he do the thing we are trying to do as a family on mission? That's where we go for our inspiration and instruction. It's no mistake of history that the earliest followers of Jesus after the resurrection were simply called 'The Way.' As we read the Gospels and listen, the way of Jesus will become more and more apparent to us, and we'll know better how to lead our families on mission.

• Practice the works of Jesus: Jesus was very clear about it when he told his disciples, 'Whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing.' If our families on mission are truly going to be a reflection and reproduction of the life of Jesus, we need to practice the works of Jesus, as uncomfortable as this may make us feel initially. It's interesting to me that the first task the disciples are sent by Jesus to do is heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the lepers, and drive out demons. To us those things seem like a master class, but for Jesus, it was Discipleship 101. He gave them authority to heal before he gave them authority to teach. Doing the works of Jesus has to be part of the discipleship process for our families on mission if we're going to take imitating Jesus seriously. So we do that in our family on mission. We train people in the stuff that Jesus did. Every Sunday night at our oikos worship gathering, we pray for the sick, and very often people are healed. But it's not weird or out of control; it's just normal. We seek to be naturally supernatural as opposed to weirdly supernatural or merely natural. ... Again, taking our cues from Jesus, who never made a big theatrical production out of his healings, we simply come to our Father, assuming he wants good things for us, and we speak words of healing like Jesus did." – pgs. 86-89

"One family's missional purpose is stated this way: Joining Jesus in his work. ... One of the most important revelations God brought to them years ago was that salvation wasn't so much a matter of getting a ticket for heaven but was actually an invitation to be caught up in the ongoing work God was doing in the world. This has captivated them and moved them for many years, and so the concept of 'joining Jesus' has found its way into their missional purpose as a family. ... when the father goes on a trip, he doesn't tell the kids that he 'has to travel for work.' He tells them that he is going to be joining Jesus in his work of training leaders in whatever city he is traveling to. The rest of the family prays for him and send him out whenever he goes on a trip. The language of missional purpose makes a huge difference in how the children of this family experience his absence. They feel like they're part of what God is doing ... They don't just think 'Dad's gone.' They know why he's traveling, because that's their family's purpose – joining Jesus in his work! Another example is the way they talk around the breakfast table with their kids before they go to school. They cast vision for the kids not just to 'have a good day at school' but also to join Jesus in his work at their school. The kids of this family go to school with the presupposition that their main job that day is to join Jesus in whatever he's up to in their school. They keep their eyes peeled for that, and then they report on the day around the dinner table, asking about what they saw God do, or what opportunities they feel they missed, and how it all went. ... Whether it's a cross-country trip ... or simply going to school or leading their Missional Community, this family is always joining Jesus in his work. That missional purpose is what helps the family keep moving forward together in the same direction." – pgs. 90-91

"Another family's missional purpose is defined by the phrase Know, Show, and Share Jesus. ... When they have people over from the oikos, they are seeking to know, show, and share Jesus. When they have people over from the neighborhood who don't know Jesus at all, they are seeking to know, show, and share Jesus. All of their family's activities are looked at through that lens, and it helps them make decisions about what to spend their time, money, and energy on. Will it allow them to know, show, and share Jesus?" – pg. 92  

"Getting started involves:

• Thinking about your passions as a family: What kinds of things do you love to do? Do you love playing sports? Perhaps music? Do you love being outdoors? Do you enjoy being on the water? Do you absolutely love your neighborhood? Reading? Movies?
• Thinking about your possessions: Not just your financial capital but also your intellectual capital – perhaps you have an area of expertise that could be part of your missional purpose, like a counseling background or an ability to teach music or design websites. Also think about your physical capital – the time and energy you have available. Think about your relational capital – perhaps the people you know could be part of resourcing your missional purpose. Finally, and most importantly, think about your spiritual capital – perhaps there is wisdom you've gained over years of knowing God that you could bring into your missional purpose. 
• Thinking about the problems you see around you: Think about your neighborhood or your workplace, the local school, or a park nearby. What are the needs you can see? Where are the areas of brokenness that you want to see God's kingdom break into? Where does God's will need to be done on earth as it is in heaven?

As you look at those three lists, begin to look for overlap and convergence. Is there a missional purpose making itself known to you? Don't worry if it isn't obvious right away. Sometimes it takes some time, discussion, and prayer to discern where God is giving you an opportunity to move out in mission." – pg. 93 

Chapter 10 | Encouragement for the Journey

"(When we moved from the UK, to Phoenix, Arizona, and then to Pawleys Island, South Carolina five years ago) We met every morning for worship and Word in a room no bigger than a closet. No one played a guitar so we just sang a capella and followed the daily Scripture texts that the Moravians produce. It was a rhythm, a commitment. Some days a neighbor or friend would join us. They would learn about what we were doing, and how we were doing it, and would offer their skills. ... We kept the strong values of hospitality and accessibility that are important to us. By now, five years further on, we have probably had more than five thousand people eat in our home and hundreds stay overnight. We have grown into a large team of about twenty-five in the local 3DM office, and about one hundred in the wider oikos. We do life together, we move as a pack, we are normal, and we are on a mission just like we wanted to be thirty-five years ago. ... It's an honor and privilege for Mike and me to lead this group. We take it very seriously as the spiritual parents of this oikos. Every day we are reminded that it is messy, beautiful, complicated, hilarious, tiring, and life-giving. As this movement grows, we, too, grow and groan with it. We will still be doing this on the day we die. There is no retirement or vacation from this call. We know no other way." – pgs. 97-98

Next post: CN | Leading Missional Communities: Rediscovering the Power of Living on Mission Together 

And here are links to some previous CN books: AND, Life Together, A Meal with Jesus, The Art of Neighboring, Speaking of Jesus, A Praying Life, Family on Mission

– Sully
 

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